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Flash Fiction Thursday~ A Few Steps by Mikael

I’m just going to wing it on a clip today… Even now I’m not sure what I’m going to write about so I’m just going to go with whatever flows through my finger tips. Sound good?

*   *   *

Ever get the feeling that you just want to start over?  Take a few steps back and redo everything? But at the same time you’d like to keep the knowledge that you now have? I’m in that position.

As soon as she told me she loved me, I knew something was amiss. I didn’t love her. I couldn’t love her. That just wasn’t a part of my plan.

What would my family say if they knew she loved me? I can’t bear the thought of telling my mother, who expected me to marry the resident surgeon at the hospital that is like my second home. She wants me to get married and have a family. To tell the truth, that’s all I wanted but I never thought I’d get. And my dad–I’m sure he would never understand. After all, he was a born-again Christian.

I shouldn’t have held her hand that night she needed consoling. I shouldn’t have held her the night when both our hearts were broken. With all these “should-haves” that I have, she only has one.

She shouldn’t have kissed me that night we got drunk together. There was a small moment when I thought, “This is so wrong.” But if it was so wrong, why did it feel so right?

I wish I could go back in time to where her brother and I were best friends. A time when I only knew so little about his younger sister. But as time went on, somehow we all became friends. I wish I could have told her to stay away from me. That I was always first and foremost her brother’s best friend and not hers.

But then there was the crash. The crash that brought us together. The crash that killed my best friend and her brother. The crash that happened because he heard I was in the hospital after a relapse and was on his way to make sure I was okay.

Do I wish I could start this all over? Yes. But unfortunately, taking a few steps back won’t change the bigger picture here.

And the thought that frightens me the most?  The thought that I might be in love with her too. To able to love her despite everything I’ve ever believed in. If that turns out to be the case, there is no way I could stand here and watch her hurt any more than she already is. I’d have to tell her the truth.

That I’m Natasha… the girl with terminal cancer.

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