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Step aside, theatre guys… Enter online. by Mikael

You know how when you’re around the same kinds of people, you automatically run to them when you are “seeking” something.

Well, I’m trying to step out of that. The reason? Well, number one, my best friends told me I should. And number two, I tend to start both casual relationships with performers more than any other kind of person.

For some reason (likely because of familiarity and proximity), I tend to be attracted to guys that are performers. Just how it happens. A good voice, sultry dance moves, possibly good arms and a little mystery, and I’m putty. Both shows I’ve been in since high school have resulted in backstage romances. One was fun, short and sweet. The other just happened to be the most emotionally rewarding damaging experience of my life.

So clearly I’m not looking in the right places for love.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoever said I was even looking for love?

*inner-Disney princess prances around*

Damn you, Aurora…

Anyways, I think everyone wants to find love at some level. My problem is that I’ve found love in other places, so I don’t necessarily feel like I’m lacking anything.

I love my family more than anything. I love my job. I have friends that I’m totally enamored with. I love that I have an opportunity to perform and share my talents in different mediums. I love that I’m finally living on my own. I love who I’ve grown to be. 

And yet… a part of me still wants to find love, to find someone who gets me and can be a best friend and lover all balled up into one. And I need proof that I’m not a complete pariah who can only last three months in a relationship. I’m craving a more long-term thing… it doesn’t have to be marriage. I’m not entirely sure I’m an advocate of marriage anyway; I’m one of those women who will have a kid on my own if I’m not with someone by the time I’m 30. We’ll see if someone changes my mind. Because you never know… it could happen.

So I’m breaking out of my norms. Enter the online dating world. And cue me gulping very audibly.

Yep, it’s just a little scary. How do you know if these guys are creepers? How do you know they are telling the truth? And what the hell is up with a “Hey, what’s up?” first message? It’s like, come on! Be a little more original!

This week, I’ve read many guys’ profiles and anytime I find a spelling/grammar mistake, I feel like I don’t want to respond to their messages because they can’t even get the communication thing right.

Some people think online dating can be shallow, and they are so right. If you’re not attracted to someone’s photo or profile, it’s so easy to write someone off. Until or unless you meet them in person, you actually don’t know if you’d actually like them. If I get any negative feelings though, you can bet your bottom that I will walk out of a first meeting fast.

So far I feel like I’m merely in a small puddle attached to a very large reservoir… with a lot more to see, and a lot more fish to snatch up,  release, or take home with me to bake a nice filet. Or maybe I should stop that horrible and over-used metaphor now, and get onto my writing gig that actually pays me.

Anyone else ventured into the world of online dating? What’s your experience been like? Any pointers for a newbie? 

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19 Comments so far
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Instead of online dating, I just started a blog to meet girls. ;)

Comment by Peter DeWolf

Haha really? How did you make that work??

Comment by Mikael

1100+ posts.

Lots of them were called “girly.” Haha.

Comment by Peter DeWolf

Plus I’m delightful, of course.

Comment by Peter DeWolf

Yes… yes, you are. :)

Comment by Mikael

My best online dating strategy is that I read the profile first, before looking at any of the photos. Because if his profile is riddled with errors but he’s really cute, I’m more likely to look past the mistakes temporarily and if his profile is interesting, that makes up for a lack of model looks a little bit. That’s not to say you should throw all physical attractiveness out the window, but it does help. Good luck!

Comment by jenn

I’ve done it; here are three tips. Tip #1: don’t be afraid to send the first message. Tip #2: make sure you’re on the right kind of site for your goals; the guys on OKCupid are not the same as the guys on eHarmony. Tip #3: don’t use eHarmony. I should qualify this comment by saying that while I did make a fair amount of connections through online dating and go on a few all right dates, it’s not how I found love though I do have plenty of friends who have found love that way so I believe it does work.

Comment by Larissa Heart

Isn’t eHarmony one of the more expensive sites? Haha, spending a lot of money on this is not an objective. So I’m curious… why do you recommend not using eHarmony? Haha.

Comment by Mikael

It’s on par with most paid dating sites, price-wise. My issues: You can’t see all the people on the site. They drop-feed you about five matches a day and you need to go through a series of games/questionnaires/forced interactions before you’re allowed to actually speak to someone directly. It’s awful.

Comment by Larissa Heart

Hubby and I met online in July 2001, pretty much way before it actually became “okay” to date someone you hadn’t met traditionally. When you wrote “And yet… a part of me still wants to find love, to find someone who gets me and can be a best friend and lover all balled up into one.” I was immediately struck by how that’s exactly what I wanted back then, and that’s exactly what came. But I had to weed through a year’s worth of complete jerks. You really have to watch out for guys posting pictures from 10 years ago or more. In fact, I got to the point where I would ask them if they’d posted a current {i.e., within the last 6 months} photo of themselves or if the photo they posted was outdated, and I would tell them that I’m asking that because “when we meet in person, whoever isn’t truthful will be found out immediately.” Women do that too, though. Hubby told me about women who would post pictures from high school, but that would sometimes have been 10 to 15 years ago, and 95% of the women who’d do that were absolutely unattractive in person. That’s simply not fair. Also, hubby and I talked every single night for 2 or more hours for 3 weeks straight, before we ever met in person. Casual conversation over that period of time can go a long way toward telling you if the guy is based in reality or a freakazoid. When the “right” guy finds you, he’s going to thank his lucky stars!

Comment by AlienAnessa

Aww! I love your online dating story with your hubs. That’s awesome you guys spoke forever before actually meeting. :)

Good to know about the photos. I’d heard about people doing that… thanks for reminding me!

Comment by Mikael

I HATE online dating. I’m sure I’ve written blog posts about how much I hate it.

Like you, I also find myself disregarding the horrible spellers. That bothers me more than a lot of other things.

And you are right. People are shallow. I am even shallow, even though I have absolutely no right to be picky (I’ve gained 50 lbs, who would even date me?). But most people can’t see past looks. Lots of people don’t post a picture on their profiles (Plenty of Fish), but often send you some when they email you or if you request it. Yes, people post old pictures, and I’m even a culprit of that (even though the pics still look like me). If they have a phone, they can take a new pic and send you one.

Beware. There are many men that say they are looking for a relationship and they actually aren’t. My friend found one guy that admitted he wasn’t. He just put that on his profile to make him “sound like a nice guy” so women would message him. True story. I even had one guy I was talking to change his profile many times in one month, from “Looking for a relationship” to “Wants to date but nothing serious” to “Wants to get married”. He texted me first and we texted maybe for a couple of weeks, and then he stopped texting me. Then 4 months later, he texted me “Hey, remember me?”

One guy who contacted me was old enough to be my dad. Oh and then you get the guys who send the generic messages. The ones they copy and paste and send to multiple girls. You can tell. In fact, one guy sent me one. But I wasn’t interested so I didn’t message him back. I should have and said I wasn’t interested. The next day, he sent me the EXACT SAME message. REALLY?! Come on. Be original. So I didn’t reply. Then, a few days later, he sent me THE SAME message again. I blocked him. Seriously, I could really write a book about my experiences with online dating.

The ideal guy is what you said- someone who gets you, and is a best friend and a lover at the same time. Those guys have to exist! Where are they?!

Comment by sarcasticallybitter

I’d be interested to see your blogs on why you hate online dating. Thanks for the warnings!

The generic messages are so lame. I’ll respond if I like their profile, if not then I don’t see the point.

And those kinds of guys better exist or I will be single the rest of my life, haha.

Comment by Mikael

I didn’t like it. I didn’t know what to say about myself, and only one person seem actually interested. He dropped me when I mentioned belly dance. I found the experience really awkward and ungainly. Sure, I got my share of old men and creepsters, but over all, I just didn’t think it was for me.

Comment by onegirlvaudeville

Seems like everyone is different. Some like it, some don’t. Gotta love the old creepsters, huh? XD

Comment by Mikael

I think that the online dating scene just isn’t for me, though I’m willing to give it another try in another region.

It’s not the way that I would prefer to meet someone, there’s nothing inherently bad with online dating, I just find that you reveal so much about yourself so quickly, that it almost feels unnatural, which would definitely not happen in traditional dating. I find it very stressful, actually, but the ‘aw, crap, i’m going to be single forever’ can be stressful too.

In the future, I probably wouldn’t waste my time again with the free sites though. With the ones that cost money, at least you know these people are making a semi-serious investment in their future love life or whatever you want to call it. On the other hand, a lot of people are lazy about removing their profiles when they aren’t actively using the paid sites, so even if you do pay you might have a lot of matches that aren’t able to respond.

I long for the random supermarket encounter going for the same cereal box, but that’s just me. :D

Comment by TJ

You make a great point as for the unnaturalness of online dating and share of information. I never thought about that before. And that supermarket encounter would be ideal for everyone, I think. ;)

Comment by Mikael

I’ve never done the online dating thing, but I feel like half of my friends met their mates on the internets.

Also, I gave up dating performers years ago because there’s this element of crazy in it, at least there was for me. The last actor I dated was incredible at acting and I never knew what was a real emotion or a fake one and it messed me up for a really, really long time.

Comment by terra

I just started online dating, too. I tried OK Cupid and hated it. Lasted maybe a week? I think there are just too many creepers on the free sites. So far, Match seems pretty legit. I’ve had a couple interesting stories. It definitely takes the mystery out of getting to know someone when you know so much upfront. Also, people all tend to say the same things! “I am fun, like to spend time with friends and family is important and love to travel.”

Comment by Caryn




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